MyLaffs Joke #1864
TOMMY COOPER JOKES:
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says, "So are you fatso."
~~~~~
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
~~~~~
He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."
I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
~~~~~
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
~~~~~
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said "Parking Fine."
~~~~~
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said, "I want to buy an ice-cream".
He said "Hundreds & thousands?"
I said, "We'll start with one."
He said "Knickerbocker glory?"
I said "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."
~~~~~
I went to the camping store and said, "I want to buy a tent."
He said "To camp?"
I said (butchly) "Sorry, I want to buy a tent."
I said, "I also want to buy a caravan."
He said "Camper?"
I said, (campily) "Make your mind up."
~~~~~
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said, "My dog's died."
~~~~~
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought, "This is unusual".
And the dentist said to me "Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."
~~~~~
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said, "You are."
~~~~~
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said, "It depends where you're calling from."
~~~~~
So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said, "I'm not stopping you."
~~~~~
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.
~~~~~
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, "You've been promoted." And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're a managing director." And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said, "What happened to you?" And I said, "I careered off the road."
