MyLaffs Joke #1389
QUICKIES:
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
~~~~~
How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
~~~~~
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice dick."
~~~~~
How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
~~~~~
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.
~~~~~
Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday
~~~~~
Why is being in the military like a blow job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
~~~~~
What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
~~~~~
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
~~~~~
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.
~~~~~
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
~~~~~
What three two-letter words denote "small"?
"Is it in?"
~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~
If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.
~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
~~~~~
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
~~~~~
How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan
~~~~~
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
~~~~~
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
~~~~~
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
~~~~~
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
~~~~~
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
~~~~~
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
~~~~~
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
~~~~~
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
~~~~~
What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
~~~~~
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy tale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
