MyLaffs Joke #1182
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QUOTES

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey
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"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
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"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
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"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
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"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
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"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others." -- Gerry Brown
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"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." --George Bush, US President
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"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them." -- George Bush, US President
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"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand." -- Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
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"Please provide the date of your death." -- from an IRS letter
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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
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"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." -- Parish Magazine
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"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." -- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
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"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." -- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Dan Quayle
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
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"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- Dan Quayle
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"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Dan Quayle
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." -- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
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"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."--Batman Costume warning label
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QUESTION: If you could live forever, would you and why?
ANSWER: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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