MyLaffs Joke #1095
ABOUT MEN
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
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Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
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How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
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What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
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Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
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What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
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What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
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What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
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What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
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Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
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Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
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Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
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What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
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How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals".
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What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
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What did God say after creating man?
"I can do better."
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Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
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What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
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Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes their decisions.
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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a: One. Men will screw anything.
b: One. Men will screw up anything.
c: Five. One to do the screwing, and four to listen to him brag about it.
d: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half-hour of begging.
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How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll?
Nobody knows - it's never happened.
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Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.
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Why do men have holes at the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
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What do an anniversary, a toilet, and a clitoris have in common?
Men always miss them.
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Why do women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
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What does a man call true love?
An erection.
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Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.
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Why do men need instant re-plays on TV sports?
They forgot what happened 30 seconds ago.
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Where can you find a man who is truly committed?
In a mental hospital.
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How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?
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How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
